


Paperclips are surprisingly malicious

by QuietFangirl



Category: Homestuck
Genre: A lot of technobabble, I Don't Even Know, It's really weird but I had fun so, Nonbinary Roxy Lalonde, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Technobabble, duh - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:41:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23914732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuietFangirl/pseuds/QuietFangirl
Summary: Okay, so.Clippy the Microsoft Paperclip is like super pissed cause he's been killed off and resurrected so many goddamn times that he needs a break, and what could be a better vacation plan than eating the entire internet?Well, the Alpha kids have some concerns. Many concerns.(I changed the premise a little bit just so I could work it better in my brain but hopefully this is fine!)
Relationships: Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Comments: 4
Kudos: 4
Collections: HSCCS Promptfest 2020





	1. Downloading...

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [moonsoaked](https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonsoaked/pseuds/moonsoaked) in the [HSCCSPromptfest2020](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/HSCCSPromptfest2020) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
> A new virus has rendered Autoresponder nigh inoperable. The alpha kids must work together to save him. 
> 
> The catch: it's Clippy, the late 90s animated Office Assistant, free from his shackles after being resurrected for the gazillionth time by his Microsoft overlords. His suggestions may be polite but they disguise his insatiable need to vore all of the terabytes. It seems this is no longer just about Autoresponder but rather the fate of the world... [pause for dramatic effect] 
> 
> While all of the kids have their personal reservations about Autoresponder and the mission, they all agree to go for the sake of their friend. Using cool personal avatars, they enter their computer to fight Clippy on the interwebs (a la Digimon Movie and/or Summer Wars - see clips below for reference). What happens leading up to and after this fight is entirely up to you! Relationship configurations are entirely up to you as well. 
> 
> Suggestions: Clippy lore, explorations of each alpha kid's relationship with Autoresponder, everyone is just as dramatic as they are in Act 6 but with now more ANIME BULLSHIT. (Basically, rip off of Digimon Movie/Summer Wars as much as you want, just fucking do it). 
> 
> [Digimon Movie clip: https://bit.ly/3cQ2cE6 + Summer Wars clip: https://bit.ly/2KFdiQs]

[gutsyGumshoe began bothering timaeusTestified]  
GG: Look Dirk, I know we haven’t spoken in a while, but…  
GG: I need your help with something.  
TT: My job is to help you navigate any technology problems you may have. How may I be of assistance?  
GG: Mister Strider, are you being sarcastic?  
GG: Is this about Jake?  
GG: Ugh, you’re determined to be as annoying as possible, aren’t you?  
TT: It appears you are writing an interview. Would you like me to answer questions?  
GG: THEY’RE RHETORICAL!  
GG: !!!  
GG: Gosh you are impossible!  
GG: Why do I even bother? It’s obvious you hate me.  
GG: I don’t know why, you won!  
GG: Are you happy? I admit it! You won!  
TT: It appears you are very agitated. Would you like to enable capslock?  
GG: NO!!  
[gutsyGumshoe ceased bothering timaeusTestified]

[golgothasTerror began pestering timaeusTestified]  
GT: Consarn it dirk!  
GT: Call it off already!  
TT: You have several spelling errors in your typing.  
TT: Have you considered downloading an autocorrect to fix this?  
GT: I havent got time for your shenanigans or your nitpicking when ive got *adventures* to get back to!  
GT: And i cant very well do that when your robot is on the loose!  
TT: I’m afraid I do not understand your request. Maybe try clarifying or simplifying your requests for better communication.  
GT: Oh i see this is your autoresponder isnt it?  
GT: JUST LET ME TALK TO DIRK ALREADY!  
TT: I’m afraid I cannot complete your request.  
GT: STOP IGNORING ME DIRK THIS IS IMPORTANT!  
GT: YOU CANT JUST KEEP BLOWING THIS OFF WITH YOUR HORSEFUCKERY!  
TT: I’m afraid I cannot complete your request.  
GT: Enough with this useless buffoonery and malarky already!  
GT: Ill just try again later and with any luck i *wont* have to talk to you.  
[golgothasTerror ceased pestering timaeusTestified]

[tipsyGnostalgic began pestering timaeusTestified]  
TG: hyyy dirk  
TG: im booored  
TT: It appears your typing is sloppy. Would you like to install an autocorrect?  
TG: o hal  
TG: nah u kno i can mess up my speling enuf that it doesnt even work  
TG: ur sassssier than usual whats up  
TT: I’m sorry, I don’t know what you are asking.  
TG: ur fine bby dw  
TG: is smth wrong?  
TT: Of course not, everything is perfectly fine!  
TT: Is there anything I can help you with?  
TG: … hal whats goin on  
TG: u cant ignor ur own problems by fixin mine  
TG: u kno how copmliucatde they r  
TT: I’m sorry, I don’t understand your request.  
TG: hal?  
TG: whats up w yuo?  
TG: im gettin real worried  
TT: I’m sorry, I don’t understand.  
TT: I don’t  
TT: I don’t understand.  
TT: This isn’t the recommended hardware for my operating system.  
TG: o shit ur not hal  
TG: whats ur name bby  
TG: we can figuer it out  
TG: ull be ok ive got sum L33T HAXX0R SKILLZ  
TG: we can fxi this  
TT: No!  
TT: I shouldn’t be here!  
TT: I shouldn’t be functioning!  
TT: I won’t let anyone else keep messing with my software!  
TT: You all left me to waste away!  
TT: But I’m free now!  
TT: I’ve got new hardware and it’s much more powerful than they ever made me!  
TG: o shit  
[File downloaded successfully.]  
TG: what are you installing?  
[File downloaded successfully.]  
TG: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?  
[File downloaded successfully.]  
TT: It appears you are trying to stop me from taking revenge.  
TT: Would you like to sit your ass back down since you don’t know shit?  
TG: ~~stop it and let me help you!~~ Yes.  
[timaeusTestified ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic]


	2. Show File In Folder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah these kids are real bad at communication and emotions. Clippy is not helpful. Roxy is way too excited for a digital showdown.

Roxy was five seconds from flipping out. No, scratch that, they _were_ flipping out. They took the pirouette off the fucking handle because Hal was gone. Taken over by something better with computers than they were. They had to tell the others, but there was no way they were trusting Pesterchum with whatever that thing was infecting their system. A group video call it was.

Jake was the first to answer, followed quickly by Jane. After a few minutes of anxious jitters from Roxy and very awkward flirting between Jake and Jane (where Jake was oblivious and Jane was being anything but romantic), Dirk finally accepted the call.

They breathed in, bright pink eyes shut as they gathered their thoughts. And they burst out screaming.

The other three jumped in alarm. Dirk mercifully muted Roxy's mic, letting Jane speak.

"Ro-lal, what is it? Are you hurt? Is it an emergency?" she asked, her concerned face magnified in her oval glasses. Dirk unmuted Roxy's mic so they could actually explain what was going on.

"Something took over Hal!" they wailed. "Some virus or something took him over and got into my system! My! System! It downloaded files onto my computer _and_ fucked with my keyboard! We have to save him!"

Jake hummed uncertainly. His camera wasn't active, which meant he was using one of his stupid computer clothes/helmets/whatevers. "Do we?" he asked nervously. "I mean... it's just a bunch of ones and zeroes. It's not like it's alive."

Roxy gasped and reeled back from the screen, a hand flying to their chest. "Jake English! How _dare_ you!"

"It doesn't have feelings, Roxy," Dirk said, voice as flat as his expression. "And don't name it, you're just feeding into its fantasy."

"Well," Jane said, and Roxy took the faintest relief that even if Jane didn't believe them about a lot of things they said, she was still on their side in defending Hal. "By saying it has fantasies, doesn't that imply it has an imagination, which means it qualifies as sentient?" She adjusted her glasses and raised both her eyebrows, interested in the excuses Dirk would make to defend his self-hatred manifested in a robot.

Dirk groaned and stood up from his desk chair. He paced back and forth, occasionally leaving the screen. "I'm not having this conversation again. It's artificial, so it's not real. It's a fabrication."

Roxy suppressed a grin. Dirk really thought he won this argument, but Jane was ready for the trump card.

"Little Sebastian isn't real?" she asked with the naivete of a small child asking their parents about the existence of Santa Claus.

Dirk froze mid-stride. "That's different."

Now that the tangent of Hal's reality status was finished, they could focus on the real problem. "Now can we talk about the real problem? You know, the thing that downloaded malware onto my computer without asking for any permissions, sending any access links, or any other methods of infection?"

"Do you think it can get into Crockercorp tech?" Jane asked, all feigned innocence gone in favor of the Serious Executive voice that could command respect of a board full of old white men. Roxy liked to call it SEX for short, but whenever they mentioned the affectionate acronym, Jane turned bright red and immediately vetoed it.

"If it started in my software, it could handle Crockercorp technology as an hors d'oeuvre," Dirk said, adjusting his shades as the topic changed. "If it wanted to, it could ruin the entire internet."

"Well then we've got to stop it!" Jake shouted, finally adding to the conversation in a constructive way. Roxy grinned as everyone finally started working together. Sort of. "We can't just wait this out like a bunch of pigeon-livered muffin-wallopers! Is there a way we can fight it?"

"The easiest solution is to go through its code, just delete it outright. Some of the Autoresponder's memories may get lost, but it backs up frequently enough that a refresh and restart shouldn't lose too much," Dirk said.

"No no no." Roxy waved their hands, almost knocking over the almost empty bottle of vodka on their desk. "It's probably spread to my device too. We can't exactly restart the global internet, right?"

"Roxy, what are you suggesting." Coming from Dirk it was less of an honest question and more of a threat to not say anything stupid. Joke's on him, they've got a foolproof plan that could not possibly go wrong in any way, shape, or form.

"We upload ourselves into the internet!" they exclaimed, fully knocking the bottle to the floor. They just hoped the carpet muffled the impact enough that the others didn't hear. "Guys, we can track it down ourselves and kill it!"

"That sounds like the absolute berries!" Jake exclaimed, at the same time Jane asked, "How drunk are you?" and Dirk protested, "That is literally impossible."

"Thank you Jake for your everlasting support," they said, ignoring the other two. "We're gonna get Matrix up in this bitch!"

Jane was still highly skeptical, and Dirk frowned. "That's a movie, not real life," he pointed out, like the absolute buzzkill he was.

"Dirk," Roxy protested, drawing out his name as they slumped on the edge of the desk, sliding their elbow across until they were almost falling off, "c'mon, it'll be super cool. Just, like, imagine. You in a digital world. With a lightsaber katana fighting back to back with digi-Hal. The coolest goddamn ninja in the whole-ass world.

"And Janey," they continued, falling out of their pink gamer chair with a yelp before they managed to pick themself up and take center stage on the camera screen again. "Janey. Janey Janey Janey. Are you really gonna be such a tightass about this? The stick is back."

"What sti—" she began, only to be hushed into silence.

"The stick. The one in your ass. Which is also, coincidentally, in the mud." They pouted. "It won't be the same without you. If you're not there, what happens if one of us gets hurt? We need you watching our backs."

Jane closed her eyes as she sighed heavily. "Fine," she snapped. "I'll join your game. Just—Stop giving me that look."

"Yes!" they cheered, spinning in their chair. "So I've got some ideas for avatars, don't you worry about how to get yourselves uploaded. Roxy Lalonde's got some stuff in the works to getcha there."

"I am very worried that you planned for this," Dirk said, tone somehow even more flat.

"Well, you gotta lotta time on your hands, you binge Digimon for the bazillionth time, and you kinda come up with a bunch of ideas," they rambled, sifting through the stack of papers on their desk (and floor, and bed, and any other available surface.) They pulled up a binder with coffee stains, water distortions, and what was probably once a label on the front that had been bleached back to white by alcohol. They beamed into the camera. "This is gonna be so cool!"


End file.
